Breaking the cycle of loneliness

Trying to break the cycle of loneliness 

that I have yet to master. 

All I can say is DON'T GIVE UP!!!!

   Loneliness can be hard to cope with. Not just sometimes but all the time. I know I am not the only one. And my loneliness stems from a lot of reasons. For a long time, I have fooled myself into thinking that I could change my situation and make it easier on myself. What are you talking about? Fooled yourself? You can change your situation, right? Ok, come on let me finish before you jump to conclusions like I have given up or something. By my situation, I mean the situation that plagues my body and is NOT going to go away in this system of things. I have to realize in this world, in this system of things. The health that plagues me that adds to my loneliness is not going away. Ok, so I know I can't change the fact I am fighting MS or RA or any of my other health issues, too many to mention, that with no matter what new herb or remedy that is being forced down my throat to try. And I still try them giving them the benefit of the doubt. I have many bottles of everything given to me to try and I do try them. This thorn is just going to be there. 

   My illnesses plays a major part in my loneliness. I have fought so long trying to prove to my body I will fight it and push myself to the limit. But currently, I am at the point if I do push myself harder I just might die from pushing so hard. I am also dealing with a cancer scare. Yet to even know if I have cancer. That is pretty scary. All I can tell you is I feel sick every day. It hurts to eat. Yet I still eat. My body purges it, yet I am not skinny what gives? The pressure and pain from where my tumor is. A daily reminder that it need to come out. And it will. But I am going through the process and steps in the medical world. Next surgery it will be out. It will be nice when all that is gone. And maybe the one less pain. And prayers it is not cancer. Will make this thorn easier and thus, make it easier to deal with my loneliness.

   So why does illness play such a huge part? Because it confines you. No matter how much you try to avoid being confined. It just does. I am home bound the majority of the time. People assume because the outside of my body looks pretty besides the fluffiness and looking past the fact that I use mobility devices such as a cane, walker and occasionally my wheelchair. They assume I am ok and should do more or push more. Judging comes easy for some, even though we were not given that authority by Jehovah. The fact is, I have pushed for a very long time. I have fought for a very long time. And my body is getting very tired. But I still refuse to give up. I have a lot to fight for. And I still have age on my side if that means anything anymore. Because it seems like major illnesses don't age discriminate anymore.

   So this means I stay at home A LOT. Many times I can't make my meetings and am stuck at home on tie-in. I still receive my spiritual food, but I am invisible because I am at home. My children have to go without their mom some days. Their main support for spiritual support in our family home is me. They have to rely on other people and that should not be the case, but it is. Besides doctors appointments, and there are many between myself and the kids. I can't count the specialists on my fingers between us all. I am stuck at the house. The majority of my energy is spent homeschooling my children with the aid of my sons parapro. People call me crazy. But it is not about me, it is about what is best for them. Making sure my kids get spiritual food at home. My daughter is a huge help in assisting in this area as well. And trying to keep up on what housework I can and cooking meals. My daily living skills lack. Dressing, showering, and being presentable are a huge challenge for me. I tend to look like a wreck most days. And I know a lot of people can relate to this. I am not alone. I am not the only one fighting loneliness.

   Because I am sick very often. I don't know what being well feels like anymore. I automatically don't get invites to functions. Even if I can't make it. It is nice to have the invite. And maybe that day I do feel good to go. Or someone is willing to HELP me go. You are not going to know unless you ask me. And because of my illnesses, my children are automatically put in that category. It is sad. Ben misses out on a lot. Lana does get invited out more. And a lot I know is most don't want to deal with the stress that can come along with him. His medicine bag can be intimidating. And even my mom gets stressed out when he gets sick on her watch. My poor buddy gets stuck in this cycle as well of being left out. And it makes me sad. Because if I can't go that means majority rules he can't either.

   Things that I have thought of to help break the cycle of loneliness.

1) Reaching out. While I have reached out before. I am doing it again. Sometimes I hate reaching out because I get put in that category of being a complainer and a burden. At least, that is how I am made to feel. Or think I am made to feel.

2) Inviting people over to see me. This can be hard. Housekeeping is very hard for me. I get embarrassed because I know my house is not perfect. It may be presentable. But I see all the flaws. I see that it needs deep cleaned. But I can't do it.

3) Moving past being embarrassed about my house and lack of perfection and inviting people over no matter what.

4) Maybe investing in a housekeeper that is willing to do some deep cleaning for me. An expense I would hate to have. And that I can't really afford. But one that might be necessary.

5) Asking for help with Ben. Finding someone willing to learn his needs and not being intimidated by his medicine bag. If Lana can do it, any adult surely can right?

6) Finding someone willing to take Ben under his wing so he does not feel so lonely.

7) Taking suggestions from others that completely know my situation and limitations. And taking those into consideration when offering suggestions.


   So I think really analyzing one's situation and finding ways that you can help yourself can help break this cycle. I might always be lonely at some level. Even after making corrections. But the point is not to give up and ask for help. Reach out to others in your time of need. If you don't they may not know how much you desperately need it.

   And once you have reached out. Not finding reasons to not accept the help. In recent days. When people have asked what can I do to help you. Instead of saying thank you for the offer, I will let you know if I need help. I am replying back with what I need help with. Now that has been a hard task. It has been humbling to say the least.

   So if you are lonely. Don't give up. You may not be able to change some aspects of your life and situation. But you can find solutions to make it easier in life. And accept the help when it is offered and given.